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Wow! Ever since moving back to the States from China I’ve been neglecting this site a bit. I do apologize. Here’s what I’ve been up to as of late.
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It’s a sad state of affairs when given a choice between coverage of radiation infested oceans, an aggressive campaign for another military conflict in the Middle East, or a mediocre disney pop star. Our news media chooses to feed the … Continue reading
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“From the countryside to sophisticated urban centers such as Beijing, men of all ages, social standing and stomach sizes resort to a public display of skin, a hot-weather fashion faux pas that’s the Chinese equivalent of knee-high black socks with … Continue reading
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This is my 4th painting completed in China. It’s entitled “The Student”. Having taught English in China for a few months now I’ve been very overwhelmed by just how much pressure is put on students here. They handle it with … Continue reading
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http://www.deviantart.com/print/33592872/?utm_source=deviantART&utm_medium=messagecenter&utm_campaign=print_followup Here’s the new painting “The Laowai”, A self portrait of me in China at the moment. The link above is to a print!
I love this poem, you should love it to.
“Please Mr. Nichols come back inside the window
I can’t promise you anything, but I trust that there is far greater reason to live
I know you’ve become disheartened and disillusioned by the current state of affairs
Your stocks are falling, your investments have failed you
The man from whom you took orders has been ordered to jail by his and your subordinates
You question what is this world coming to
What is the profit margin when you’re forced to pander to the marginalized
Where’s the glory you dreamt of as a child..
Dressed as a cowboy, your play gun pointed at real targets
Your mother, holding her tongue as your father consoles her with the words..
“it’s just boy stuff”
You joined his fraternity, you grew into his old suits
You acquired his beliefs, you embodied his dreams and with them his oversights.
How long did you think it would last?
It’s just a matter of time.
The world is far from over.
Your mother outlives your father,
Your sister outlives your brother.
And if you jump from this window today..
She’ll also outlive you.
Look at her, sitting in her midwestern home, tuned into Oprah once again
Today, she learns to meditate on a second-hand couch.
Meanwhile, you stand outside this window
Twelve stories above the ground
One story remaining untold…
You contemplate the setting sun,
Unaware of your disorientation.
Dis-orient: turned away from the east.
The shifting current seems to conspire against you.
Mr. Nichols, you fail to see that you’ve always stood outside of this window, perched on the threshold of oblivion.
Countless man made stories above the truth
For so long you’ve stood facing the setting sun
Mistaking the complimentary unified duality of nature as being right or wrong
Good or evil
God or devil
Mr. Nichols instead of stepping from this ledge into the downfall of your up rise
Why not just turn around
Lessen the intensity of your western glare and face the rising sun
Note the energy swirling from its center
How it illumines us all and only the birds fly first class…
There is your inheritance!
The warmth of a kiss
Invest your tongue into the mouth of mystery
Allow her breath to seep into your lungs and surrender to her touch and guidance
There’s no other way
Your dreams of dominance will only help you forsake yourself
While your family continues its search for understanding
And your daughters outlive your sons..”
So that Koi No Yokan moment I was talking about, I don’t think that’s going to happen. Who knows why? Was it simply curiosity? Did we just do the tiny dance and realize that my feathers are going to impress somewhere else? Needless to say there’s a reason I chose the phrasing “Koi No Yokan” and learned what it means from my good friends the “Deftones” (whom I’m listening to as I write this.) It’s a “premonition” of love, not “falling in”. In fact I don’t think I’ve “fallin” in love since I was a young lad. At some point people suck you dry and you get into habits of not trusting those whom you desire. I don’t know why.
I’ve never been great with the relationship thing. I can honestly say that on some level I truly get the opposite sex, and I know I have an attractiveness, not sure what it is, but I’ve had enough attention in ways to know that it’s there somewhere. But it always gets muddled at some point. I don’t know if it’s me being too intense, too shy, too this or that. Or perhaps my bullshit meter is too fine tuned to notice when someone is going to survive off of me rather than with me. Maybe it’s just the “Starving artist” thing, who can blame someone for not wanting to starve with me, right?
Being here in China has really made me think a lot about why I feel the need to have a relationship. I have so many good friends but I’m a romantic at heart and really want that “girl of my dreams”. Maybe it’s too many movies, maybe I’m not viewing life in the proper way. Or is there a proper way to view it at all? All I know is despite all the amazing things I’ve done and seen here, and great friends I’ve made, I want that special person with me to share it with. I always have. But not yet…. not yet….
Why do we want someone else?
Maybe I just want the safety, two heads are better than one sort of thing. Perhaps it’s as simple as playing catch. Sitting on the floor and rolling that ball towards similar eyes and knowing with a glance that they will return it. Maybe it’s procreation, I ain’t gonna lie, a part of me would love to see a little half me exploding into the world and advancing my bloodline or whatever the hell all that is. Adding to the human story perhaps, maybe not even procreation, maybe sex is just awesome in a lot of ways.
But I don’t know, maybe it isn’t even that. I could have a perfect partner in a dude and just have to figure out the whole “liking women” thing. I’m sure it’s not easy for either gay, straight, etc…. to find that special person.
Is it just someone to take care of you when you’re down and out, and then you want to return the favor because you want to see this person succeed and always become better? It could be just the fact that I’m getting older and my body is telling me to switch modes and settle because “it’s time”.
All I know is that it’s terrifying.
There’s plenty of girls in my life that I would love to date, and if they said “go” I’d be ready at the drop of a hat. But at the same time that’s soooo much pressure. When you take relationships seriously it’s a very insane thing to consider. It’s taking on responsibility for not only another persons health but mindset as well. I like that stress in a way, but I’m getting older and always have this feeling like I never got enough practice. I didn’t drive that car enough. But never too late right?
Sometimes I wonder if I’m not even meant to have a long lasting relationship, maybe my skill or purpose is to comment on it and not experience it. I guess I won’t know until I know. But inevitably some of it has to do with hope. I’m addicted to that shit. Maybe it isn’t healthy, but hope is one of my favorite things ever. The feeling that the water is flowing for a reason and knows where it’s going, what’s important is to let it carry you and not fight the current. Either way I’m waiting for that moment where I see a girl for the first time and have that one moment (I can’t remember where I read this) but the “oh…. it’s you!” moment. I’m sure some of you have experienced that and I’m still waiting. But that’s o.k., maybe that’s this “approachness” I’ve been feeling lately. All I know is I’m trying to enjoy the single life and be cautious about my choices. Things will change sooner than later. I just hope I get to know my lovely before it goes south. Love you guys, peace!